Recently, I’ve been thinking about what to do in case the end of the world turns up unexpectedly. Where would one hide when civilisation breaks down and society dissolves? The popular choice would be to go to the countryside, grow your own vegetables, get a goat and live happily ever after.
Obviously, the countryside will be rather full in case of an apocalypse.
So, I have devised a fool-proof method of surviving such cataclysmic times: hide where no one will repose, as a safeguard of civilisation, in the archives! The larger the archive, the better. It would be best to get to the national archives, but those might be busier, so sheltering in university, provincial, regional or, in the worst case, municipal archives might improve your survival risk.
But what do archives hold that may ensure your survival, you might ask. Books, of course, endless amounts of books! Without electricity or central heating you may need to keep a fire going. Take out Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, and let it burn. There must be thousands of other libraries that host his work, so even if you valued his writing you could assuage your conscience. When you’ve worked that through, you can move on to other rubbish. Take dissertations, particularly if you’re at a uni library. Most quality dissertations will have received a trade version, so future generations rediscovering our present will not miss much when you start burning these – or when you use them as toilet paper. There will be hundreds or perhaps thousands of them, so you can keep going for a while. If rampaging hordes have not yet found your hideout by now, you can move on to the parliamentary accounts. The government releases these regularly, they’re located in every important library and most archives, and they’re not really very interesting. Plus, they have thousands of pages. Burn them! They will keep you warm – a promise the politicians might not keep themselves (apart from Tom Watson).
When civilisation succumbs to barbarism and public toilets are no longer maintained, one might feel somewhat desperate at times. But the archive might help out here as well! Whenever a night of soul-searching approaches, you head down to the vault to take out the properly old documents (N.B. do not hide out in an archive with a shite medieval collection). These documents will make your day. Plus, when you are bored, you can try and translate medieval Latin and then practise your skills by writing a chronicle in that language! Good times!
And food, you might enquire? Well, you have so many books at your disposal, there must be at least one that tells you where to find it.















